to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
