Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
