I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
