How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
