I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
