i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
