dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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