apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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