You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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