if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
FUCK WHALES
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
