some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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