I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
