He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
