I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
