New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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