upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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