Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
