The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
