Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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