You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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