I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
