just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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