she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
