went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
