I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
