im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
