He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
