I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
