I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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