Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
