The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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