You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
