I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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