You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
