so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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