Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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