I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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