I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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