I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
