If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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