she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
