Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
