Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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