I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
