I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
