Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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