No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The Olympian is in my bed
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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