Whod you bang
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
