Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize