I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
