hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
