I haven't been this sober since birth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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