I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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