this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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