unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
