My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
