The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize