I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
