my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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