I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
