you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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