At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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