Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
