walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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